


Dark Spring

by Scarlett_Moreau



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Aggression, Break Up, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Love, Lust, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 16:57:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14453736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlett_Moreau/pseuds/Scarlett_Moreau
Summary: Some years have passed since the Tivoli events. Lukas and Philip are going through a painful break up. It seems like nothing can fix the situation, although they are both trying.





	1. They were madly in love

**Author's Note:**

> Contains lots of flashbacks, as I got all the visuals in my head as sort of a music video. Was listening to 6lack-prblms on loop, if anyone’s curious, although lyrics don’t play much role, rather music sets the mood.  
> I will be giving more backstory and details that I haven’t mentioned here in my next works, so stay tuned for 'Past' and 'Future'. Also, fuck linear storytelling.  
> 

New York City. Warm light of golden hour is slowly traveling across the walls, shining through the open blinds. Water is streaming from the kitchen faucet, overfilling a pot in the sink, sound reverberating from every wall, every corner. Their living room is stuffed with boxes. Most picture frames on the shelves are either empty or flipped front side down. Philip is standing in the middle of the room, his gaze chasing Lukas, who is walking around and picking up his last personal belongings. Philip’s eyes are red and puffy. No one should ever experience what he has just gone through.

They are standing in the doorway, Lukas with his luggage standing on the hallway side. Philip is looking at his own feet. No words come to mind. This is it. Lukas is looking at him silent. He holds out a ring. Philip lifts his head up and starts taking his own ring off, giving it to Lukas, taking back his. They stand in silence for a moment, then Lukas moves in ever so slightly with his arms spreading hesitantly, ready to give a hug.  
But Philip closes the door in front of his face, immediately turning around and sliding down against it, biting his knuckle, holding in a cry. Lukas closes his eyes and brings his chin up, air drying his wet lashes. He lifts the luggage up instead of rolling it on the ground and starts moving towards the elevator, which just happens to open its doors on their floor. A familiar girl gets out of it greeting Lukas, but he ignores her, walking past her with a face that expresses absolutely nothing.

Morning. Philip puts on a light blue button up shirt, looking at himself in a bathroom mirror. He got visibly older. Stress is showing. No guy his age should have a tired face of a thirty year old. No client should deal with someone like him. He feels disgusting.  
He sighs and washes his face with cold water, feeling the skin tightening. The fluorescent light of the bathroom lamp doesn’t make him justice either. The door to the bedroom is slightly open. The blinds in there are shut completely, darkness creeping on him. He walks out of the bathroom, opening the door wide, so the light is traveling with him, and takes a glimpse at their bed. It has stayed empty for weeks. He couldn’t bring himself to sleep in it after what happened. His hand reaches the light switch, and the room gets dark again, before he gets lost too deep in his thoughts. _Just don’t think._  
He takes his camera equipment, packing his camera bag, gets the keys and walks out of the apartment. The neighbor girl is walking into her apartment next to his, she’s smiling at him, her smile weak and sad.

When he leaves the building, he instantly sees a familiar figure in close proximity. Lukas is leaning on his bike, parked near the entrance. His red and black gear accentuates his lean frame. He doesn’t move, just looks Philip straight in the eye. Philip feels like time has slowed down, like he will never be able to run from it, run from the haunting past. He glances at Lukas and starts walking away faster. Lukas still doesn’t move or call. His sad eyes are just looking in Philip’s direction, following him, and after his figure almost disappears in the distance, Lukas finally stands straight, lifting his helmet to his head slowly. Philip has not turned around. Not once.

∼

Philip is visiting Helen and Gabe almost every other day now, time spent traveling getting lost remorselessly. He doesn’t sleep much, couch too unforgiving on his back, so he gets some hours on the trains here and there.  
Things have been tough for Helen and Gabe as well. They are constantly arguing about any minor thing. The bond that once felt unbreakable is weakening between them, he can feel it. It’s scary. This spring is the second to worst in their lives, save the one Kane was hunting him down.  
Nothing has changed from his last visit. The couple is raising voices behind him in the living room, as he is sitting at the table, staring blank at the window. The sky is light gray and plain, trees are bare, crows sitting on the top branches. Philip’s face is staying the same, not one muscle moving, even when yelling gets much louder behind his back. He’s zoned out completely, his mind is stuck on nothing in particular. But it’s even better this way. At least he gets these breaks when his body is physically no longer capable of staying strong, and his brain shuts down.

∼

The sky is beautiful tonight, Lukas takes notice of it. He has his head resting on the window sill behind the sofa he’s sitting on, as he’s taking another hit of the joint that he is sharing with other people around him. It’s someone’s house party, he doesn’t even remember who’s anymore. His eyes are gliding up and down the window, image flipped upside down. He’s talking to his new couch mates, people he has probably never seen before. One friend he knew left earlier. It starts getting light outside, the sky getting tinted teal. He has a girl sitting in his lap for a lack of space. Other people who were able to squeeze onto the couch next to him don’t seem to mind close contact. He is barely showing any emotions, occasionally grinning at someone’s lame joke.  
They’re talking lazily and unenthusiastically about everything and nothing at the same time. He takes another hit. The guy next to him is eyeing the girl in Lukas’s lap, and his gaze stops at his arm wrapping around her waist tighter. Lukas closes his eyes, rubbing her stomach. _The sky is indeed beautiful._

∼

Philip is walking down a busy street. Tall buildings are towering around him, seemingly closing in on him. He suddenly feels claustrophobic. People are moving in controlled chaos, bumping into each other occasionally. He feels it starting again, as he tries walking with the flow. His face appears calm, but with each step he takes, his expression starts changing. After half a minute he’s crying. He stops and looks at his reflection in a shop window, people walking past him with unpleased faces. His shirt is wet with sweat, moisture showing well on white fabric. He’s a mess. _Breathe, Philip._ He takes out his phone and hesitates for a few seconds before unblocking it and dialing. In the spot where he sees his face reflecting in the glass, another face appears, a woman’s face. After a second or two of staring at him, the face smiles. A clothing store worker came to change mannequins.  
  
“Hey,” Philip says quietly into the phone, sorrow on his face. He turns away from the window. “I thought—I don’t want to end this on such a bad note... I won’t change my mind, but—”  
  
Cars stopped at a traffic light, and the two boys in the backseat of a sedan closest to the sidewalk remind him of Lukas and himself when they had just met. He covers his mouth with a sweaty palm, trying to breathe through his nose as deep as he can. How could this happen to them? How could something ruin their future together, when just some years back they were clinging onto each other’s lives, standing together against the whole world, standing strong against brutal fate? They were madly in love. Madly.


	2. Not letting go

They meet in his favorite bar. The place used to sell melon margaritas that Philip knew Lukas liked so much, despite it being a girly drink. The menu changed last year.  
They are sitting at the counter, hardly any people around. Most folks choose to sit in the back rooms. The glasses are half empty. Philip is looking at Lukas from below, eyes peeking from underneath dark lashes. It’s hard to look at him straight, no matter how much he’s trying. Lukas is wearing Philip’s old leather jacket—the one that Kane spotted years ago, the one that was given to Philip by his grandfather, the one that was the dearest gift Philip could ever give to Lukas. Now this precious item is going back to Philip, so Lukas says. Philip is aimlessly tugging at patches on its sleeves, Lukas’s fingers tapping nervously on his own knee. Philip then lifts his head up, just enough to see Lukas’s lips. He can’t look higher, he just can’t.  
  
“Why couldn’t you tell me? For all these years…” Philip mutters under his breath, Lukas having to lean forward to hear better. A droplet falls on his hand. Lukas looks down at it and then suddenly gets up and starts taking the jacket off to give it back, hinting that it will be better to end it right here and for him to walk off. The conversation doesn’t seem to soothe anybody, only opening up wounds, new and old.  
  
“Because I’m a coward,” Lukas says abruptly and reaches his hand down his pocket, looking for some banknotes to pay. Seeing Philip crying again is too much to handle.  
  
“I loved you… Beyond measure… Unconditionally,” Philip says a bit louder this time, tears running down his face. “Things could have played out differently, if only you didn’t fear me. Why do you fear me, Lukas?” Philip is finally looking up at him, his hand holding at the hem of Lukas’s shirt. He then does what he couldn’t make himself do earlier. He spreads his arms to hug Lukas, waiting for him to respond. If this is the last thing they share, Philip wants it to be meaningful, wants Lukas to know this feeling of being welcomed and allowed to speak up, no matter how ugly the truth is.  
  
A loud sound coming from the other side of the bar is heard, it's a waitress knocking a tray with glasses over. Nobody moves. Lukas closes his eyes. This is the strongest reminder so far. The strongest reminder of things he could have had, had he spoken up, but now he never will. He opens his eyes, looking Philip up and down before he gives in. He leans forward slowly, feeling Philip’s heart pounding fast against his chest.

 _His lips are soft. My lips are soft. My lips are his lips. For the last time. I am him and he is me. For the last time._ They slam against a flimsy wall of a bathroom stall, kissing deeply and passionately, emotions pouring into excessive aggression. Lukas has his hands on the sides of Philip’s face, in his hair, on his jacket collar, tugging and pushing, pressing him against the wall. Philip is panting underneath his weight, his shaky hands struggling with Lukas’s belt. Lukas stops kissing, backing up a little until he has Philip’s face in focus. The tears are still drying on Philip’s cheeks, salt leaving shiny traces behind, which disappear all the way down his neck. Lukas’s eyes trace every inch of Philip’s face, stopping at his tired eyes. He then leans forward, placing his lips over Philip’s very gently, while his hands are traveling down Philip’s torso and meet with his palms at the belt buckle. They undo it together, and Lukas presses his pelvis tighter against Philip, sliding both their hands past his waistband. He breathes out Philip’s name. _For the last time._

∼

_“I’m faster, you know that! Run, baby, run. You won’t outrun me!”_  
_They are running in an abandoned farmers’ field full of wild crops, flowers tickling their thighs, as Lukas is gradually closing the distance between them. The sun is so bright it blinds them. The noise of crickets is so loud, reminding of summer like nothing else. Lukas makes an effort to hop onto Philip’s back, both of them falling into soft long grass. Philip is trying to roll over underneath him to face him._  
_“Maybe it was my plan all along.”_

_“Ouch! Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, it hurts!”_  
_“Shhh… It’s okay, it’s okay. You strained your calf, just that. You didn’t break any bones. Shit happens. It’s all part of the process. Next time slow down more on this turn. Here, hold onto me.”_  
_“You sure there will be next time?” Philip grins, his lip pulled up in pain, white teeth showing._  
_“Of course! Baby, you almost got this. You were good, I swear,” Lukas says overly excited. He has Philip’s arm around his neck. “In a few weeks we’ll try again. Come on, slow and steady, like that. I’ll come after the bike later.”_  
_“I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t scoff it or anything.”_  
_“Don’t even worry about that.”_

_“Too late, camera’s already rolling,” Philip smiles. “Look at you! Fucking adorable.”_  
_Lukas is sitting on the ground, holding onto the last two paper bags that have survived. Another three are lying on the ground ten feet apart, escaped fruits rolling on the ground downhill towards their car. White lilies are peeking out of the one in Lukas’s arms._  
_“Told you not to try to impress me,” Philip smiles, trying to hold in laughter. He has started filming on his phone earlier, already anticipating the disaster, right after Lukas has placed a bet that he can handle everything at once. “Say it. Say that you lost, loser,” Philip lost it and is laughing hard now, holding out his hand to help Lukas get back on his feet. “Careful with the flowers.”_  
_“Really?” Lukas takes the offered hand, getting up. “Laughing at me, when I’m doing all the work,” Lukas says looking at the phone Philip’s filming with. “Philip, you’re mean,” he says directly into the camera, leaning forward to be even closer to it._  
_“Say it, say it, say it!”_  
_Instead Lukas leans towards Philip’s face this time, placing a tender kiss to his lips. Philip doesn’t miss this rare chance to capture it on video._

∼

It’s afternoon. Lukas rides up to Philip’s building on his street bike. Riding in the city was never his favorite, news about his friends getting into road accidents one by one on these busy roads taming his need for speed. He lifts his head to look at the building, taking in all the details. It’s going to be a short visit. His lips are pressed in a thin line. He starts moving towards the entrance slowly, unsure if he should do it here in the lobby, or get up there. His hand stops at the glass door’s handle, and he glides over it, trying to remember the feeling. He uses the keys to access the ground floor and after a momentary stupor he’s heading towards the mailboxes. He takes out a folded up paper from his jacket’s inner pocket and is about to drop it in the right slit together with the keys, but at the last moment he moves his hand away. Instead he starts walking towards the elevator. 

∼

_“Do you still go to see your mom often?” Philip asks. He’s holding his phone up again. They are driving on the highway, Lukas is behind the wheel focused on the road._  
_“It’s unfortunate that the camera can’t pick up this amazing smell.”_  
_White lilies are in Philip’s lap, their shiny packaging rustling audibly. Lukas just nods, giving a positive answer. He then puts his left elbow on the car door, rubbing his mouth with that hand. He turns his head to look at Philip for a moment._  
_“Hey, are you recording? Perv.”_  
_Philip giggles. “Yeah, I told you already. C’mon, it’s okay. It’s precious memories. Have I told you that you look h-h-hot in my jacket?”_  
_“Yeah? Like ten times today? Shit, they closed that road, we’ll have to go around.”_  
_“It’s okay,” Philip puts his head on his seat’s headrest, still looking at Lukas. “It’s cool how generations pass on pieces of their lives to each other.”_  
_They pull up at the gate of a cemetery. Lukas looks at him, putting his hand over Philip’s._  
_“You ready?”_

∼

He gets into the apartment. It is lit with warm lamp light, completely unnecessary at this time of the day. He sees Philip right away, sleeping on the couch in a not so comfortable position. He must’ve fallen asleep sitting down. A bottle of hard liquor is squeezed lightly in his hand. Lukas takes a step further inside the apartment, trying not to make too much noise. Philip is shirtless, his chest rising up and coming down with each deep breath. There’s a thin white gold chain around his neck, Lukas gave it to him for his birthday three years ago.  
Lukas closes his eyes, shaking his head. His hand moves up towards his face involuntarily. It covers his eyes for a brief second and proceeds moving up to brush through his blond hair, tugging at it in the end, making Lukas open his eyes again. His face is getting red, splotches of color appearing rapidly around his nose. It’s still there, the ring that Lukas used to wear for almost a year and a half now as a promise, dangling on the chain. Lukas slides his hand down to his mouth and then lower towards his chest, feeling a prominent round scar where the ring would be were he Philip.  
He turns his head towards another source of light in this room besides the lamp. The two TV screens in the corner are glowing. A video is playing on one of them on low volume. It’s Philip’s mother holding his hand, as they’re walking towards the camera smiling. It was shot in a Disneyland way back when Philip was eleven. His mom’s former boyfriend is the one behind the camcorder. The trip was Philip’s birthday gift, probably the priciest one he has ever gotten before meeting Helen and Gabe. One of the few videos Philip has been able to get his hands on after he lost everything he had on his old phone thanks to a glitch, it was recorded on a DVD, so it is currently inserted into Philip’s old laptop with a disc drive, which is hooked to the TV. Lukas’s eyes shift to the other screen immediately, the one that Philip often uses for work when color grading. The video on that one is paused, but Lukas knows exactly which one it is. It’s of him driving on a freeway, while Philip is recording him, a bouquet of white flowers blocking part of the view.  
Lukas backs up slowly and reaches a hand behind his back to feel for a wall. He leans against it, lowering his head, and breathes in harshly, probably too loud. Fearing that he might have woken Philip up, he lifts his gaze, blinking through a haze of tears. Philip hasn’t moved. An ugly grimace of nausea appears on Lukas’s face. He needs to get out of here.

∼

He’s right near the stage, eyes following the exotic dancer from underneath untamed light bangs. Strong headache is hurting his eyes, pulsing in his temples. With shaking hands he opens a new pack of cigarettes, pulling one out with his lips, ready to move towards the smoking room. He’s crying openly—something he hardly ever does. The girls in here are used to such things. Places like this one are like lanterns to moths at night, they are a safe place for moths like him. His cigarette is shaking in his dry mouth and eventually it drops on the floor. He gets on one knee to get it and stays in that position for an alarming period of time, struggling to get up. He has no energy to function.


	3. Fear and panic

Cold air tickles his feet. Philip opens his eyes to a bright light and a sheet of paper taped over one of the TV screens. He groans at the light blinding him. It’s very cold. Something is off. He removes an arm from his face after a second or two, trying to adjust to the brightness of the room. He puts a hand on the sofa, but instantly feels it touching a wet cold spot. “Fuck…” The bourbon he has been holding spilled all over the couch. Philip shifts slightly, trying to figure out where the cold is coming from. The front door to the apartment is wide open. He freaks out, fully awake now. The thought of a robbery crosses his mind first, before he can take in the whole picture. Nothing seems stolen though, both TVs and his camera equipment on their original spots. His stare roams around the room and focuses on the monitors. He gets up, his head spinning. He walks over to the note, almost knocking an empty picture frame over, while reaching down to grab it. A set of keys is on the TV stand. They are Lukas’s.  
Philip walks over to the front door, looking outside. No one’s in there, only a lonely flickering light, as per usual. He closes the door, glancing at the window. It’s an early evening, or maybe late afternoon. He can’t tell. His gaze falls onto a sheet of paper he is holding. It’s a printed plane ticket bought on Lukas’s name. He frowns. A handwritten note is scribbled all over it. 

_“I’m moving to Israel next month. Found a better job offer there. I don’t wanna see or hear from you before the day of the flight. Just let go of me. Philip, you don’t love me, this weekend was a mistake. I fucked up, it’s all over for us... Please. It’s the most painless way to go._  
  
_Would be still cool to see you one last time if you come to send me off at the airport. Don’t try looking for me meanwhile.”_

Philip lets his arm drop to his side. He looks up at the ceiling, taking short breaths through his nose. Panic is taking over him.

∼

 _Philip’s leather jacket is hanging over a bar stool, except it’s no longer a bar they were at. Philip is holding a dining plate that gets smashed against the floor a second later… then another one, and another one. Lukas is still sitting on the floor and is forced to crawl backwards so he doesn’t get hit by any bigger shards._  
  
_“Fuck you! FUCK! YOU!” More household items are flying at the walls, at Lukas. “You betrayed me! Fucking spit in my soul, stabbed me in the back! I should have—I should have known with your history of lying!”_  
  
_Lukas feels his back up against a bed frame. He grips at it to get up and sits on the mattress. The studio he’s renting is on a verge of being destroyed. He gulps. Philip is now moving towards him at a fast pace, glass crunching under his shoe soles, and when he reaches him both his hands are tugging at Lukas’s shirt collar._  
  
_“How many?”_  
  
_Lukas is just looking at him with eyes wide open, consumed by fear, not able to speak. Philip is shaking him vigorously, showing the kind of force and rage Lukas has never seen before nor thought Philip was capable of emitting._  
  
_“Lukas, HOW MANY?”_  
  
_Philip is no longer crying, no, his body, his hands are perfectly steady, as if they haven’t been drinking at all tonight. He lets go of him finally without getting a response and lowers himself on the mattress next to him slowly. His hands are covering his mouth as he’s staring off into the distance, his eyes open wider than Lukas’s. If Lukas is genuinely expressing his shock over a sudden episode of violence, the look on Philip’s face is of a different kind, it’s borderline insanity. He speaks up again, words muffled underneath his hands. The tone of his voice is weirdly calm, distant, shocked._  
  
_“At this point it feels like I've been constantly lied to for all these nine years. Nine. Nine years, my best years. I won’t get them back.”_  
_Philip keeps repeating the number, notes of disbelief in his voice. He pans his head to look at terrified Lukas and pulls his hands away, fingers sliding over his lower lip making it wobble._  
_“And you couldn't find the strength to tell me...” The right corner of his mouth twitches._  
_“How many you fucked in college?”_  
  
_Lukas gets out of his stupor and puts his hand on Philip’s thigh, squeezing it hard._  
  
_“None, Philip! It’s different!” he cries out desperately._  
  
_“How can I be sure of you anymore? We’ve been states apart for college! God, we’ve been apart for years for that! And I waited! I was waiting for you!”_  
  
_Philip loses it again, tears rolling down his cheeks like it’s raining. He starts hyperventilating, so he slaps his hands back over his mouth. Lukas then jumps off the bed, almost stepping on one of a few pieces of cutlery he owns, now scattered across the carpet with the rest of the junk._  
  
_“It’s fucking different! How can I tell you without destroying you? I can’t change it about myself, Philip, I will never be able to! It’s who I am!” Lukas spills out. He then lowers his voice in fear of neighbors calling the police, although they probably already did. “You will never understand. It’s just easier for you...”_  
  
_“It’s easier, huh?” Philip gets up fast, now fully facing Lukas, and slaps him across the face as hard as he can. “Easier! Right! I just got fucking hated on every fucking day of school for admitting who I am, because I’m not a motherfucking bitch ass coward like you with your fucking reputation! I was just coming home bruised, fucking bruised by you! But yeah, of course, it’s fucking easier for me!”_  
  
_Philip rises his fist to smash the face he was once kissing breathlessly, but is pinned to the wall by Lukas in the nick of time. Besides a stabbing pain in his palm he’s feeling his whole body shaking, that’s how much Lukas’s arms and hands shake. He’s bleeding from his eyebrow. Lukas then presses one forearm to Philip’s throat firmly, the other hand grabs him by a chain around his neck. He slides his fingers along the length of it and stops at a ring. Philip has been wearing it like that ever since Lukas has returned it. Lukas squeezes it in his fist and pulls at it hard, but just enough not to break the chain. He is hissing through gritted teeth looking him dead in the eye._  
  
_“Take it off. Stop wearing it as if it still matters to you. You make things harder for me, for both of us. You didn’t want to see me the first time I came near you after I moved out, and where are we now? At my place fucking. Just stop it! Stop clinging to me now!”_


	4. Coping

Weather in Tivoli seems to be dictated by some higher power. Philip is convinced that dark clouds are following him wherever he goes, but especially here they seem to find him the easiest. He’s at Helen and Gabe’s again. The clock on the wall strikes 9PM. He has been trying to call Lukas almost every hour for the last four days, he tried reaching him on all imaginable platforms and through all their friends, but no one seems to know or wants to speak to Philip. And of course there isn’t any response from him today either. Philip doesn’t like playing by the rules. He always tries out ways of bending them, this time isn’t an exception. He hates himself for being too drunk and distracted when Uber took them to Lukas’s last week. He wouldn’t have any problem showing up there again if only he knew the address. Lukas keeps fucking up. Philip understands that the last time they met hasn’t solved anything, if not making everything even worse, but Philip hasn’t been able to tap into Lukas’s brain yet as deep as he has hoped for—to see if there’s anything familiar left still, anything that would give Philip will and strength to try to cope and forgive. Lukas’s disappearance is not making things easier. Everything is fucking crumbling apart.  
  
The doorbell rings and it must be pizza delivery. Helen and Philip went on a quest to find a third party delivery company desperate enough to agree on delivering their favorite pizza all the way from Poughkeepsie. Today is the day when they all agreed to splurge on this unnecessary luxury.  
Philip looks at Helen, who is sitting with her feet on the couch, her hands crossed on her chest and face turned away as she once again chose not to speak to Gabe. Gabe is at the dining table with his usual glass of vodka, and even though he is the closest to the door, he signals Philip to go get the order.  
The boy who is handing him the pizza boxes is rather young, probably in his late teens. He gifts Philip with a warm smile, despite having a tired look on his face. Philip totally gets it, he himself would much rather choose to quit the job than agree on such a long trip to the middle of nowhere, especially by the end of his shift when all he would want would be to get home and watch Netflix. The pizzas are still warm which Philip appreciates.  
  
“Sorry, man,” Philip smiles back, “We made you go all the way here.”  
  
“Oh no, no worries, I actually took this order myself. I’m from Red Hook, so it was actually very convenient. My last one for today.”  
  
The boy lifts his arm to move his light wavy hair from his face, and there’s a rainbow leather cord on his wrist. Philip looks at it and gives him the smallest smile. He’s wondering if the boy is ever bullied in Red Hook. He hopes things have changed for the better. He hears Gabe’s voice asking Helen for a millionth time if she will deign to start talking to him again. Philip rolls his eyes. Perfect timing. Just as he thought that they are good for tonight, the yelling starts again.  
  
“Wait a second,” Philip says and closes the door slightly embarrassed. He puts the pizzas on the table and puts both his hands inside his jeans pockets, trying to figure out where he put cash this time. When he opens the door again, after finally finding what he was looking for, he sees the boy walking away towards his car.  
  
“Wait, I wanted to tip you, c’mon.”  
  
Philip is standing on the porch with his hand mid air, holding a twenty dollar bill that he thought was very much appropriate for this long trip. The boy smiles again shily, turning back.  
  
“I was just—I didn’t want to overhear anything I wasn’t supposed to hear, you know.”  
  
As he gets closer to Philip, Helen makes a very mean comment inside the house that makes Philip hate his decision to stay here overnight. He shuts the door behind him to make it a little less embarrassing and sighs. The boy takes the money.  
  
“Would you wait here for a second longer?” Philip asks all of a sudden and not waiting for a response disappears inside the house. A few moments later he gets back with two bottles of beer and points at the wooden chairs on his left, closing the door behind him once again, this time with a key. The heated argument seems to be getting less loud, either Helen and Gabe moving upstairs, or the door really helping to tone it down. A surprise shows on the guy’s face for a split second, but he quickly agrees, probably having nothing better to do. They sit down.  
  
“Hey, want some pizza?” Philip laughs.

∼

Setting sun is warm on his skin. Lukas is far away from home, far away from New York. He always wanted to do this, but never got a chance. Now that he quit his job, and there’s nothing and no one to keep him from leaving, he finally took advantage of the situation. He has never bought a plane ticket so fast and so spontaneously before, even Israel is justified compared to this. It’s just a bit shy of two weeks before he is leaving the country, and there is one thing left undone on his bucket list. In a span of four days Lukas has done a lot. He flew to Jacksonville and rented a nice bike. Now it’s just him, music in his bluetooth helmet, a stunning sunset and a beautiful Florida coastline. He gave himself three days to get to Key West where he will hop on a plane back home. He just left Miami behind a few hours ago, about to approach the Seven Mile Bridge.  
Sea is fucking beautiful at twilight. For a moment it feels like everything is perfect in his life. After years of living in a village which didn’t resonate with him, he has learned to look at things in perspective. Eventually we will all die, it doesn’t matter what troubles any of us have; bad can always become worse and good become better. Lukas never saw escaping burdens of reality as a bad thing. It just helps with staying sane. If not this getaway trip, he doesn’t know if he would be able to contain himself from committing the irreparable. 

He remembers how in the beginning of this road trip his feelings took over him, almost making him crash into a car. His eyes got blurry with tears and mind got foggy, he didn’t realize that he was speeding too much. But when he did realize, his hand just added more gas, his eyes squinting in determination. That feeling was momentary, and very fast he managed to get in control of himself, after numerous cars started honking at him, drivers concerned. 

He reaches the island, and the moment feels so special and intense that he has to stop and take his helmet off to let the initial chills wash away with suddenly appearing salty tears. No one is really around to see. If Philip were here with him, he would have taken his camera out long ago to capture these complex emotions. But Lukas is alone. He has almost come to terms now with the fact that he will be alone for the rest of his life. Well, maybe he will find a way to adapt to his new self sooner or later and maybe will even meet someone who has been there as well. Although Lukas knows he is fucked up, if not for being bisexual, then for trying to hide it for so long, ruining other people’s lives. A wave of guilt rushes over him again. He tried so hard not to bring it up today, but it still didn’t work out. He puts his helmet back on and rides his motorcycle straight across the island on a main road. 

Lukas is on the shore now, at the southernmost point of the country. His bike is parked close to the water. He’s standing on the ledge, leaning on one leg, his arms crossed on his chest. The water is loud, louder than his heavy breathing. He is looking in the distance, trying to see past the darkness. A thin line of light at the horizon is still reflecting on the surface of water. A ripple is reflecting on his skin. His thoughts are about Philip. As much as he didn’t want to think about him, the thoughts are ramming his brain. Lukas wants him to get over the trauma, wishes there was a way to make it painless for him. Lukas would die in a second for this opportunity for Philip. But Philip keeps trying to figure out ways of reversing everything and bringing it back to normal, which Lukas knows is not possible. If anything, Philip is just hurting himself more.  
Lukas doesn’t notice that he is already reaching in his pocket. He feels the ring. A sad smile suddenly comes to his face, contrasting with the tears. Lukas smirks, looking at the piece of jewelry. Philip’s fingers are thicker than Lukas’s contrary to Philip’s belief. Lukas tries it on for a moment to see that he was right. He closes his eyes, taking it off. Alright, the faster he gets over with it, the faster he gets to find a place to stay. He takes a deep breath and swings as hard as he can. He doesn’t even see the spot where the ring hit the water.  
He stares at the water for another thirty seconds or so, and suddenly incredible sorrow and pain hit him, forcing him to squat down. He wraps his arm around his knees and gulps down his sobs before reaching for a cigarette. And of course the lighter is not working. “Fuck!” He throws it into the water aggressively. “Fuck!” The cigarette pack follows.  
He gets up and shivers, convincing himself that it’s just getting colder, and it’s not him losing it again.

∼

“Devin…” his voice is low. “Devin…” he whispers again, the sound of Devin’s name new on his lips. “Ah Devin—”  
  
Devin’s neck is arching back on the pillow, Philip’s soft hair tickling his chest. He reaches down and twists his fingers in brunette locks, a lustful smile bordering with excitement on his face. Philip lifts his head up, a string of saliva on his lower lip, and he bites on Devin’s hand playfully, tugging at the strings of the bracelet with his teeth and letting Devin slip his fingers in his mouth.


	5. Lesson not learned

Lukas puts his phone on a charging panel as soon as he crosses the threshold of his apartment. He finished paperwork for the upcoming moving process earlier than he originally thought it would take, so he got home early in the evening. He figures that he still has time and energy for a few drinks in downtown. He’s about to hit the shower, when the phone screen lights up. Not bothering to even look at the screen he continues walking towards the shower room, but then he hears the ringtone, and it’s not Philip’s.

∼

Helen is lying on her side in her bed, legs curled up to her stomach. She’s holding her phone to her ear and she has a resemblance of a sad smile on her face. She’s twisting her wedding band on her left hand with a thumb. Gabe is downstairs, so she doesn’t feel too weirded out doing this.  
It takes quite some time to reach him, she isn’t even surprised. After all, seeing Philip blowing up the phone with countless trials, she would stop paying attention to the callers as well. To show that she is not Philip going to great lengths to reach his ex, she is calling from her work number, one that Lukas knows is out of Philip's reach. Before she gets a chance to say _Hi_ , she hears steps in the corridor. Visiting Philip walks past her room’s open door, holding the delivery boy’s hand. She got used to seeing him near the house whenever Philip was around, although she has never seen him inside the house before, and it took her by surprise, not to speak of all the hand-holding. Philip must’ve lost his brain already with all the calls and plans regarding Lukas. Whatever that is, she doesn’t have time to think much of it. She hops off the bed and closes the door. The guys don’t look in her direction as she does that.  
  
“Hey kid,” she finally says, getting back on the bed. “Lukas, how are you? I—I know I shouldn't intervene, and I won’t. But I wanna say my goodbyes personally. If—if only you don’t find it awkward—” Her voice breaks. She hears laughter coming from one of the bedrooms nextdoor. “Dinner on me. What do you say? I have some errands to run in the city tonight, so I will be nearby.”

They are sitting in a shitty little diner on a freeway, but it feels incredible to find something this random, and the burgers here are to die for. Lukas decided to give Helen a ride, she hasn’t been offered one in ages. They are laughing and indulging in their food, and Helen is leaning on him. She’s wearing a simple, rather ugly, dare he say, coat, definitely not trying to impress anybody. Even though the encounter does feel like out of the blue, Lukas doesn’t find it too strange. She used to be his mother-in-law after all, in so many years he has learned a lot about her, and she has welcomed him in her family.  
She’s looking thankful that Lukas agreed to meet. Seems like it has seriously lifted her mood, judging by the first part of their rendezvous when she wasn’t all that cheerful. They talk about Gabe for a bit, and although she believes that things with Gabe and herself will eventually get better because they love each other, she quickly changes the subject. At one point she reaches inside her backpack and takes out a piece of paper. It’s a photo of her and Gabe with Lukas and Philip all posing and smiling.  
  
“I really wanted you to have one of us. Sorry, I didn’t have any of just us two, but you’re so happy in this one. I want you to remind yourself occasionally how happy you can be,” she says and gives Lukas a slow back rub. “Listen, you lost some weight, it’s noticeable. You got pale.”  
  
Lukas nods at her commentary. He knows, he’s not in a good place yet. Looking after himself has never been so hard. Helen continues then.  
  
“I really like you, Lukas. So sorry it didn’t work out for you two.”  
  
Lukas just smiles at her in silence.  
  
“Hey, it really doesn’t matter to me what happened between you and who is guilty. I want to stay in touch and hopefully visit you in Tel Aviv once,” she adds quickly.  
  
“Just once?” he laughs.  
  
The diner is almost empty save two truckers sitting at the counter.  
  
“Lukas, please, please, please take care,” Helen says, running her hand through Lukas’s hair.

∼

Lukas got to the airport very early and is not rushing to get his bags checked in. He’s rolling his humongous luggage behind him slowly, looking around. He’s restless. The building is packed, it’s loud in here, but he really hopes to find the one face among thousands of others. After half an hour of roaming around in vain it doesn’t seem plausible that Philip would come. Why would he? Deep inside Lukas hopes that Philip won’t. It would mean that he was able to let go, possibly wishing him death from a terrorist attack on board, but it doesn’t matter. Perhaps Philip is already in search of some creative new ways to channel now vacated energy.  
  
“Lukas!” he hears a muted scream. Lukas gets in full alert mode and is waiting for another one, so he can track the direction where it’s coming from. It was Philip, unmistakably Philip. But Lukas can’t see him anywhere.  
  
“Lukas!”  
  
There are doors everywhere, it could be coming from behind one of them. Soon Lukas learns that he was right. Philip’s face is peeking from behind of a slightly opened door of a security station. God, he is so drunk! His face is red and wet with tears, and he’s screaming, making terrifying faces. Obviously posing a danger by airport security standards, he is held from behind by a guard. He’s trying to wiggle out.  
  
“Let me go, I need to see him!”  
  
The security guard’s eyes meet Lukas’s, who is already moving in the direction of the station. The guard then lets go of Philip, and he runs towards Lukas stumbling and shaking.

∼

 _Devin takes a sip of his beer, looking at the night sky. It’s his third one already, and if it wasn’t Philip’s initiative, he would be feeling super uncomfortable by now. Heck, he doesn’t know how he’s gonna drive home. The conversation they are having is not pushed by any means, exactly the other way around. Philip pushed his buttons just the right way to make Devin talk openly about things he otherwise wouldn’t imagine opening up about to strangers._  
  
_“I know that feeling, I also got cheated on,” Devin says. “The pain is still living in here,” he taps himself on the chest. “But I also ask myself where did I go wrong. Why couldn’t we talk it through, you know?” He turns his head to look at Philip and smiles kindly._

∼

“Lukas, it doesn’t matter! Nothing matters! I want you back! I want you home! We will make this work!”  
  
Philip is speaking fast, slurring, clearly having so many more things to say. Just as Lukas feared.  
Lukas is silent. He looks at Philip saddened and drops his head down, closing his eyes and closing the distance between them, letting Philip embrace him, while Lukas’s forehead rests on his shoulder.  
  
“No, it’s too late,” Lukas whispers. He is purposely keeping his voice monotonous, otherwise he risks trailing off and losing his point, making the whole conversation useless.  
  
Philip’s mouth is trembling, the look of realization that this is actually happening growing on his face. He hears Lukas grasp for air and feels his body shaking.  
  
“I’m glad you came though,” Lukas mutters and lifts his head up. “Philip, here.”  
  
He reaches into his jacket’s inner pocket and takes out two tiny boxes. They seem like those silly couples charms you can find at Forever 21, but the quality and the packaging suggest that they are from a real jewelry store.  
  
“It’s for Helen and Gabe. I hope they will eventually stop fighting. I would really want that.”  
  
Philip is looking at him still in disbelief, very confused, fear in his eyes. Lukas doubts Philip processed anything he just said. Nonetheless Philip takes the boxes slowly. Lukas continues, his voice betraying him. He starts sobbing.  
  
“I brought flowers to your mother’s grave. Philip—” Lukas squeezes Philip’s shoulder. “You will be fine, you are strong, I know. But I can’t forgive myself and—and I don’t want you to try to understand my position, my—my situation, because I really don’t deserve it.”  
  
Philip finally snaps out of his frozen state and grabs him by the wrists, squeezing very hard. “Lukas, please—” He holds a hand to Lukas’s cheek, but he shakes his head, turning around.  
  
“Go. Go, Philip. Trust me, long goodbyes will make it only worse.” It takes Lukas enormous amount of self-control to turn around and start moving.  
  
“No!” Philip starts running after him, his reaction delayed by a few seconds, but the cautious guard goes after him and forces him on his knees, jewelry boxes dropping on the ground and sliding in different directions. “No! No! Lukas! LUKAS!”  
  
Philip is screaming from the top of his lungs, pushing and tugging, trying to escape the grip. Everyone, everything around him is quiet. Hundreds of eyes are watching him. These are the looks of sorrow and empathy. Time has stopped, only one figure still in motion.  
  
Lukas just keeps walking. Never in his life has a task so easy seemed so impossibly hard.  
He passes through the security check in the distance, flowing through the crowd like he is not there and it’s just his legs carrying him on autopilot. After he’s already behind the glass gate he gives in and looks back for just a second, but this is enough for Philip to see pain in his eyes, even from this far. Philip mouths something, but Lukas is not looking anymore. 

He disappears behind people’s backs.

∼ ∼ ∼


End file.
